I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
