What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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