Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
