Moan for me like Helen Keller
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
