I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
