If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
