I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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