So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I cut my penus on the lid.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
