Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
