Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
