Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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