Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
