Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
