Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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