he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
