why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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