So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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