I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
