My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
