best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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