You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
