Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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