this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
