he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
