I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
So squirting runs in the family.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Randomize
