i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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