His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
