Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
