is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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