Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Your penis caused this!
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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