You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
