RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
