I don't usually arrange sex via text message
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
