My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
