a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
