I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
