Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
