at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
