my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
