That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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