I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
