dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
