If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
