and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
