we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
