At least make sure they are 18
Why
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
