Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
