we're chasing vodka with high fives
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
