Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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