We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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